How to Make More Friends
(5 actions you can take today)
Way back in 2005, the band Switchfoot released the song Lonely Nation, singing to the “lonely, scared kids” in their audience.1
We were a lonely nation back then, and we’re a much lonelier nation today.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Our culture makes loneliness our default, but not our destiny. If you’re willing to put in the effort to swim against the current, you can form a real community.
Here’s 5 ways to get started:
1) Volunteer somewhere
Do me a favor. Do a quick search for “volunteer opportunities near me.” (I’ll wait!)
Depending on your area, you might find
A food bank that needs volunteers to stock shelves or greet clients.
An animal shelter that needs volunteers to walk the dogs or handle adoptions.
A retirement community that needs volunteers to spend time with the residents.
No matter where you choose to volunteer, you’ll be well-positioned to make new friends. Most volunteer opportunities have you working alongside other volunteers. And the other volunteers will often be kind, empathetic, warm human beings - after all, they chose to give up their afternoon to go volunteer! That’s the kind of person that you might want to be friends with.
Plus, a volunteer opportunity is a chance to do some good. Even if you don’t make a new friend, you’ll still feel more connected to humanity as a result of helping out. That can help cut down on your loneliness, and it can motivate you to keep going to future volunteer events (giving you more chances to make a new friend.)
So - if you’re feeling lonely, this can help yourself while helping someone else. Pick a volunteer opportunity, and put it on your calendar. The worst case scenario is that you spend a few hours making the world a better place, and that’s not so bad, is it?
2) Go shopping in your closet
When I was a kid and I asked for a new toy, my Mom would sometimes encourage me to “go shopping in my closet.” We look in the closet at the old toys that I’d set aside, and I’d often find a toy that I’d forgotten about but was excited to play with again. I got to rediscover a beloved toy, and my Mom got to save money.
A similar principle exists in our friendships. Often we have friends that we’ve drifted away from, but would love to reconnect with. Instead of expending the effort to form a new friendship, you can just reach out to an old friend.
Dr. Geoffrey Greif coined the term “rust friends” to describe this kind of friendship2. A rust friend is someone that you still feel warmly about and would enjoy spending time with - you just haven’t seen them for awhile. Rust friends are often formed when
You switch jobs and leave behind a friend from work
You start a new chapter of life
You go through a period of depression and withdraw from relationships
You move to a new area
Life gets busy and you fall out of the habit of spending time together
Our family relationships can often become rust friendships. You might enjoy spending time with your cousins or siblings over the holidays, but not talk to them any other time.
Regardless of the cause, the solution is simple - reach out! You don’t have to overthink it. Just send the person a quick message. Something like:
“Hey, you came to mind recently and I realize we haven’t hung out in a while. How has life been for you? Want to do a call/grab a drink/play some Fortnite/whatever?”
By asking them about their life and also giving them an invitation, you provide them with two opportunities for connection - they can write back to chat about their life, or they can accept your invitation.
Of course, not all rust friendships can be recovered. Sometimes too much time has passed, or the other person is no longer interested in a connection. If you reach out and don’t get a response, wait a few weeks and try again. If you still don’t hear back, you should leave the person alone.
But it doesn’t hurt to try. And chances are, if you would enjoy reconnecting with them, they would enjoy reconnecting with you.
3) Explore your hobby
Whatever you’re into - someone else is too. And if you can find someone with similar interests, it’s easy for a friendship to form.
Just about every hobby has some kind of group formed around it. Start by searching for your hobby + your area + club/group/meetup/class/etc. For instance, “Portland board game group” or “San Francisco cycling club.”
If nothing comes up, see if your town has a subreddit (ie, reddit.com/r/denver) and try asking there if any groups for your interest exist. You might also try reaching out to stores that cater to your hobby. For instance, if you really love ferrets but can’t find a ferret appreciation club, contact a local pet store. They might run some kind of events for ferret owners - and if they don’t, they may be willing to let you put up a flier and start your own.
Of course, if you live in a small town or you have a niche hobby, you may not be able to find an in-person group. Fortunately, it’s not hard to find an online group for basically anything under the sun. So if you can’t find something in your local area, check online. Reddit is usually the place to start, and subreddits often have Discords you can join where you can have more active conversations with fellow hobbyists.
Also - this idea works even if it’s not technically a hobby. For instance, if you’re passionate about a particular issue, you might be able to find a volunteer or political group working to make a difference for that issue. The important thing is to find a group of folks who have either the same interests or passions as you.
4) Explore someone else’s hobby
Sometimes, in order to make new friends, you need to branch out.
This could be because your area just doesn’t have any in-person groups for your existing hobbies and interests.
This could be because the local scene for your hobby is cliquish or otherwise not a good fit for you
And, this can sometimes be because you’re in the process of growth - and your old stomping grounds don’t quite fit you anymore. For instance, perhaps you usually enjoy sports and physical activities, but you’re craving to develop your artistic side.
That’s why I encourage you to spend at least a little time trying something new. Go through the same process as exploring your own hobby - look for clubs, meetup groups, etc. But pick something that you haven’t tried before.
For instance, several years ago I was walking in a park when I noticed a group of folks doing acro yoga3 I’m not very flexible or coordinated, and I’d never done anything like that before. But they seemed like they were having fun, and I asked to try.
I was very bad at it, but I had a good time. So I kept coming back. I didn’t get any better, but I had fun, and I made some friends I never would have met otherwise (including one person who is still a close friend to this day.)
My best friend Kyler4 has a 20 minute rule, where he’ll give anything a try for 20 minutes. If he’s still not having fun at minute 21, he can call it quits guilt-free.
Be like Kyler. Find some kind of social activity you wouldn’t normally try, and give it 20 minutes. Who knows? You might make a lifelong friend.
5) Embrace “Yes, And!”
The cardinal rule of improv theater is “Yes, And!”
“Yes” = accept what your partner brings to the scene (in theater terms, their “endowment”)
“And” = build on it.
For instance, if your partner enters the stage and says “Ahoy, matey!” they’ve just established that you’re olde time sailors. So you might say “Shiver me timbers!” to give a “Yes!” - you’re agreeing with their endowment.
But then you need the “And” in order to keep the scene momentum going. So you might say “Shiver me timbers! There’s a kraken on the port bow!” Now you’ve taken what they offered (we’re sailors) and built on it (we’re fighting a sea monster!)
Here’s how this relates to making friends.
The other four suggestions were about reaching out to other people. But this final tip is about how to respond when other people reach out to you.
As you go through your life, other people will offer connection to you. They might ask you a question about how your day, show you a funny YouTube video, invite you to something, etc.
In some cases, this is pure politeness. The cashier at Starbucks that told you to have a nice day might not actually care if you have a nice day. But often, these glimmers of connection are a sign that the other person would like to get to know you better.
And when that happens, you hit ‘em with the “Yes, And!”
“Yes” = receive their offer of connection
“And” = Offer them some connection in return.
For instance, if someone asks you about your day, share one or two extra details to show that you’re happy to answer (“Yes”). Then ask them something about themselves (“And”). If someone shares a video or a funny meme with you, share a sentence or two about what you liked about it (“Yes”) and then share one of your own5 (“And.”)
If you’re deliberate to “Yes, And!” when others offer you connection, it accomplishes two goals:
It signals to the other person that you’re open to connection, which means they’ll probably offer you more connection
It helps YOU appreciate the connection that you were offered. Sometimes we can feel lonely even when we’re well-loved, simply because we miss out on the care and connection that is offered to us. But this technique forces you to notice when connection is offered to you, and that helps you realize how many people care about you and want to connect with you.
Go
I’ve given you five ways to make friends.
Five ways to build a life with greater connection.
Five ways to, perhaps, change someone else’s life (after all, you can’t make a friend for yourself without being a friend to someone else.)
But start with just one. Pick one idea. Give it a try. (Bribe yourself with some ice cream, if that’s what it takes!)
The important thing is to start. In their most famous song, Switchfoot sings
This is your life / are you who you want to be?6
If you’re not who you want to be - if you dreamed of a life that had more connection and more purpose - this is your sign.
Pick one idea, and go.
https://www.reddit.com/r/switchfoot/comments/qz9ihz/can_we_talk_about_how_lonely_nation_might_be_the/
https://www.amazon.com/Buddy-System-Understanding-Male-Friendships-ebook/dp/B00JQFO9W0/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0
It’s cool! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acroyoga
Watch his TEDx talk!
This is a good option:
Here’s the song: