The Two Forms of Self-Care

(If you still feel burned out even when you try to relax, you'll want to read this)

We’re living in the age of self-care.

You can find endless tips on self-care scrolling social media

You can sign up for self-care subscription boxes to get monthly deliveries of bath bombs and affirming stickers.

And if you really want to, you can read a book about self-care written by a frog

Behold the self-care frog

But what does it really mean to engage in self-care?

And why is it that self-care can often leave you feeling stressed out and empty, even after you’ve tried everything the frog recommended?

Well, most people don’t realize that there are two different kinds of self-care - and you need both of them. When you focus on one and neglect the other, it’s kind of like paddling a canoe on just one side. You can put in as much effort as you want, but you’ll just spin in a circle.

Conversely, if you understand the two forms of self care - and you learn how to identify which form you need in a particular moment - then you can gain real rejuvenation from your self-care.

The two forms of self-care are:

1. Self-Soothing: Actions that create a nice feeling, or take away a bad feeling.

2. Self-Nourishment: Actions that meet a need (but might feel uncomfortable.)

Self-Soothing

Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash

Self-soothing is what most people think of when they think of self-care.

It might look like:

• Taking a nice bubble bath

• Binge watching your favorite TV show

• Having an extra helping of ice cream

• Hitting that snooze button an extra time (or an extra dozen times)

• Buying yourself something you want but don’t need

All of these things help you feel good in the moment and chase away whatever stress you’re feeling.

And to be clear - this is important! You need to have some times when you’re not “on”, and when you can just exist and focus on feeling nice. You need to let your willpower recharge by giving in to occasional temptations. It’s not a sign of weakness or laziness, but rather just the essential reality of being a living being and not a tireless robot.

Your heart constantly beats - but it’s also constantly resting between beats. Even the hardest working muscle in your body needs rest, and even the hardest working person needs the chance to pamper themselves.

Self-Nourishment

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

Self-nourishment is more complicated, because it doesn’t feel the way we expect self-care to feel.

Our culture associates self-care with ease and relaxation. But self-nourishment often involves some degree of discomfort and effort.

Or to put it another way: Self-soothing makes you feel good right now, while self-nourishment causes temporary discomfort but makes you feel good later.

For instance, self-nourishment might include

• Going to bed early so you’re rested tomorrow

• Opening up to a friend about a problem you’re having

• Spending time playing an instrument or writing a poem

• Cooking yourself a healthy meal

• Scheduling that dentist appointment you’ve been putting off

While self-soothing typically revolves around passive consumption, self-nourishment involves active creation.

If you watch Netflix in a bubble bath, you’re just lying back and letting the experience happen to you. If you ask a friend for help, cook a meal, or schedule that dentist appointment, you’re taking action to build something that wasn’t there before.

What Kind of Self-Care Do You Need?

Everyone needs both self-soothing and self-nourishment. But it’s easy for people to get stuck in too much of one and neglect the other.

Of course, it’s certainly possible to neglect self-care altogether, and need both self-soothing and self-nourishment. (In that case, the important thing is to just get started - pick something from the lists above and do it!)

But if you’re trying to give yourself self-care and you still feel crummy, you’re probably overloading one form and neglecting the other. And that has real consequences.

When you’re stuck in self-soothing and neglecting self-nourishment:

• Your self-soothing actions stop feeling good, and instead just numb you out. (In other words, you start avoiding a bad feeling, instead of enjoying a good feeling.)

• When you stop engaging in self-soothing, you feel an immediate craving for more, instead of a sense of satisfaction or relief.

• You feel like your problems are piling up and you need more and more self-soothing to deal with the stress of the unsolved problems.

When you’re stuck in self-nourishment and you need more self-soothing:

• You feel like you’re always “on” and you’re constantly thinking about the next task you need to complete.

• You interrupt or cancel enjoyable activities in order to complete more “productive” tasks.

• You find it difficult to know what you’re feeling in any given moment, and find it much easier to identify what would feel productive instead of what would feel pleasant.

Giving Yourself Both Forms of Self-Care

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

In order to break free of burnout and feel genuine rejuvenation, you need to give yourself balanced self-care.

If you’re stuck in one form of self-care, the solution is simple - focus on the form of self-care you tend to neglect! If you’re not sure what kind of self-care you need most, then you probably need some of both.

The good news is that a little self-care goes a long way. Even taking 20 minutes here and an afternoon there can make a real impact in your well-being and ability to flourish - as long as you’re providing yourself with a balance between both forms.

And it’s easy to get started!

In order to add more self-soothing to your life:

• Make a list of activities you used to enjoy that you haven’t done in awhile - and then doing something off that list. (For instance, favorite movies you haven’t seen in a long time, hobbies you’ve neglected, etc.)

• Planning an activity that heavily involves your senses, and engage in it without distractions. For instance, have a meal at your favorite restaurant and put your phone away when your food comes so you can fully experience the flavors.

• Think about what you might do for a friend to make them smile - and then do the same thing for yourself!

• Create a protected time each week where you don’t take on any work or other responsibilities. For instance, my best friend Kyler keeps his Sunday evenings free just to relax, and plans tasks or social opportunities for other times.

• Set aside a small monthly budget just for self-soothing. For instance, give yourself $20 per week to spend on a movie, or a bath bomb, or a fancy cheese at the store.

In order to add more self-nourishment to your life:

• Make a list of creative activities that you’ve previously found fulfilling. For instance, if you used to write poetry in high school, try writing a haiku and see how that feels.

• Choose a friend or loved one that you feel close to but haven’t spent time with for awhile. Then find a way to connect with them - whether it’s sending a quick text, scheduling a phone call, or planning a hangout.

• Do one thing to take care of your health. Go to bed an hour sooner, exercise for 20 minutes, schedule that doctor’s visit, eat a gosh-darn vegetable - whatever you want. If you pick something and it doesn’t get done, that’s okay (just pick something easier and try again!)

• Make a list of the incomplete tasks that are weighing on you. Choose one thing from the list (or pick at random). Then set the rest of the list aside and focus just on doing that one thing.

• Plan at least one thing per day/week that you do for yourself, not for someone else. For instance, if you feel overloaded by work responsibilities, find a way to spend 20 minutes working on a personal goal.
  

  These lists are obviously just a starting point, and you might want to develop your own ideas. You can find new ways to self-soothe by looking for activities that are easy, feel good, and bring refreshment, and you can look for new ways to self-nourish by looking for activities that make your life easier, feel good afterwards, and bring pride and satisfaction.

It’s Okay To Be Kind To Yourself

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash.

Even though self-care has permeated our culture, it can still be difficult to commit to it.¹

Sure, self-care is good for other people - but I’m too tough to need it! Or I don’t deserve it! Or I have so many responsibilities, I can’t make it a priority!

If that sounds like you…I’ll say two things.

1. Some of the top regrets of the dying² are “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard” and “I wish I had let myself be happier.”

Maybe you’ll be the one person who gets to the end of their life and is super glad you worked all the time and deprived yourself of happiness. But I wouldn’t bet on it.

Listen to the wisdom of people who have passed on. Make your life a good one while you have the chance.

2. One of my clinical supervisors liked to tell us “A surgeon has a responsibility to take care of his tools and make sure they’re as well-maintained as possible. As a psychologist, you are the tool - and if you don’t take care of yourself, your clients will suffer.”

Whatever it is that you care about in your life - your career, your family, the cause you’re passionate about - your ability to show up is dependent on your ability to take care of yourself.

So take care of yourself!

Find one thing from the lists above - bonus points if it’s something you tend to neglect.

Try it out. See how it goes. And then keep going :)

1. The sign in this photo is actually from the town where I went to grad school - the fact that they went nationally viral is a good indicator of how many of us struggle to love ourselves! https://www.georgefox.edu/journalonline/winter18/feature/amy-wolff.html

2. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying