Kind, True, Necessary
(How to decide whether to say something they might not want to hear)
As an autistic kid, I was prone to blurting out a lot of…unfortunate truths.
The most famous incident was during a family Christmas. As a kid, I loved video games, candy, and Warhammer 40K miniatures. As I opened up gift after gift filled with nothing but clothing, my frustration rose.
Finally, I cried out “I don’t want these…DUM DUM CLOTHES!”
My poor grandmother (who had spent weeks picking out nice outfits for me and wrapping them up with love) was shell shocked. And my Dad realized something needed to be done.
He pulled me aside and helped me calm down, then asked me to apologize to my grandmother. I could see that she was upset, but I didn’t understand why I needed to apologize. After all, I had said the truth. I didn’t want the clothes.
My Dad explained,
“It’s not enough for something to be true.
If it might hurt someone’s feelings, you need to ask:
Is it kind?
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Unless all three are true, it’s best to avoid saying it.”
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve relaxed my Dad’s standard a bit. Typically, I find that if 2/3 of those criteria are met, then I don’t regret saying something.
For instance:
Telling someone firmly that they’ve violated a boundary may not feel kind, but it’s true and it’s necessary.
Telling a friend you love their new hairstyle might not be necessary, but it’s kind and (hopefully) it’s true.
Saying something kind and necessary but not true is the exception to this rule - typically, it’s best avoided unless it’s very kind or very necessary.
Although I’ve gotten better at appreciating clothing gifts, I still use my Dad’s wisdom about how to handle tricky truths. When I’m uncertain about saying something that might cause hurt, I ask myself
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
I encourage you to do the same :)