How to Set Boundaries
(And why they're different from ultimatums)
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. You just need to understand what a boundary is, and what it isn’t.
At its core, a boundary is an if-then statement.
When you set a boundary, you inform the other person IF they make a certain choice, THEN you will respond in a certain way. A boundary is based in concrete action. The IF is a specific, clear action the other person might take, and the THEN is a specific, clear action that you will take in response.
The purpose of a boundary is to ensure that your needs are met, regardless of what the other person does. If they make a choice that meets your needs, awesome. If their choice doesn’t meet your needs, then you have a planned action ready to go that will ensure you are okay.
You’re still allowing them to make whatever choice they want. But you’re letting them know ahead of time what your response will be, so they can be fully aware of the consequences of their choice and make an informed decision.
For instance, let’s say you have a friend who often arrives late to a movie night that you organize. You get frustrated waiting for the friend to arrive, so you set a simple boundary. You say IF they arrive late, THEN they’ll miss the start of the movie because you will begin it on time.
The friend can still freely choose to show up late. But now they’re aware that the negative consequences of their choice will go to them, not to you. They get to make an informed choice and no matter what they choose, you’ll be okay.
Boundaries vs ultimatums
A boundary is not an attempt to control. Again, the other person can still make whatever choice they want. Where a boundary crosses into control is when the consequences are based in manipulation or punishment.
Manipulation is when you use the other person’s empathy and care for you as a weapon to get them to do what you want. Saying “If you show up late I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and it’ll be all your fault” is manipulation.
Punishment is when you threaten an artificial, vindictive consequence. Saying “If you show up late to my movie night I’ll show up late to your birthday party” is punishment.
When you use manipulation or punishment, you’re giving an ultimatum, not setting a boundary. An ultimatum is an attempt to control the other person by making it so they can only meet their needs if they do what you want.
In contrast, a boundary makes sure your needs are met, but doesn’t stop them from making their own choices or meeting their own needs. (Your boundary might mean you don’t meet their needs for them, but you’re not stopping them from meeting their needs on their own.)
While an ultimatum inflicts artificial consequences, a fair boundary causes consequences that are a natural result of the other person’s choice.
Most likely, their choice is probably already causing some kind of negative consequence (otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to set the boundary.) In that case, all you need to do to set a boundary is refuse to take that consequence onto yourself, thus causing them to experience it instead. In our movie night example, instead of you feeling frustrated because you have to wait, your friend feels frustrated because they miss the start of the movie.
If there’s no obvious negative consequence to transfer on to them, often the fair boundary is to simply remove yourself from the situation. For instance, let’s say your friend arrives on time to the movie night, but they insist on watching a horror movie that will give you nightmares. You don’t need to say “If you do that you’re a terrible friend because I’ll be scared for a week” (manipulation) or “If you do that I’ll creep into your bedroom in a monster mask to scare you back” (punishment.). You can just say “You can watch the movie if you want, but I’m going to go into another room and do something else if you do.”
How to create a boundary
Remember, the purpose of a boundary is to ensure your needs are met. So if you’re struggling to design a boundary, it’s usually helpful to first identify what you need from the situation.
To determine your needs, just ask yourself “What feels important to me in this situation?”
Your answer should generally take the form of an “I” statement. For instance,
“It’s important that I feel safe”
“It’s important that I get enough sleep tonight”
“It’s important that I can show off the project I worked hard on.”
If your initial answer focuses on another person (ie, “It’s important that Joe stops interrupting me”), try to explore it until you can turn it into an “I” statement. For instance, you might realize Joe’s interruptions make you feel disrespected, and therefore say “It’s important that I feel respected.”
If your initial answer includes several different needs, try asking yourself “Which need is most important?” Once you’ve identified your most important need, ask yourself “If this need was met, would I be okay without the other needs?” You might find that you have multiple critical needs, but often you’ll find you have just one or two core needs and everything else is more of a “want”.
Once you identify your core need(s), ask yourself two questions.
First, “What could the other person do (or not do) to meet that need for me?” This will create the first part of the boundary (the “if”).
Make sure you find reasonable options that could be acceptable to the other person. Whatever you ask for should feel fair and doable.
Second, “If the other person can’t meet that need, what could I do to meet that need for myself?” This will create the “then” part of the boundary.
Let’s take the need “It’s important that I get enough sleep tonight” as an example. Perhaps you are attending your friend’s birthday party, and you’re worried it will run late.
Your friend could meet the need for you by ending the party early, but that’s a bit extreme and would probably compromise your friend’s need to have the birthday they wanted. A better option might be for them to do the cake and happy birthday song earlier, since that’s typically the most important part of a birthday party. That way, you could be there for the heart of the celebration, and you could leave when you needed to.
But remember, we want you to be able to meet your needs no matter what they choose. A good way to accomplish that would be if you decided, “I’m going to leave by 9 PM, even if the cake hasn’t happened yet.”
Putting that together, your boundary would be “Hey, is there any way you could move the cake ceremony earlier in the evening? I’d like to sing happy birthday to you, but I will need to leave by 9 PM even if we haven’t had cake yet.”
You’re not forcing the other person to change their plans, and you’re also not forcing yourself to stay up all night. You’re just giving the other person an opportunity to meet your needs, and communicating your plan for meeting your own needs if they choose not to meet them for you.
You may have noticed that the boundary wasn’t worded strictly as “If you don’t move the cake earlier, I will leave at 9 PM.” Boundaries don’t have to be literal if/then statements – it’s okay to preface a boundary with a request, or otherwise try to make the wording more friendly. As long as the core if/then idea is clear, you can word it in whatever way feels comfortable for you.
The exception is situations where someone is pushing your boundaries. In those scenarios, it’s best to make the boundary as clear and explicit as possible, which typically means going straight to “If you X, then I will Y” language.
Making flexible boundaries
When designing a boundary, you might want to set escalating tiers of consequences. For instance, let’s say you have a friend who sometimes makes offensive jokes. You might set a boundary that “If you make an offensive joke around me, I’m going to give you one warning, and then after that I’m going to leave the conversation.”
This gives you the ability to have a lighter consequence in case they made an honest mistake, but still have a strong consequence in reserve in case they are attempting to push your boundary or ignore your needs. It also makes it easier for you to enforce the boundary, since it might feel more fair to enforce the boundary after giving a warning.
You may also give the person multiple ways to meet your needs and thereby avoid a consequence. For instance, you might say “If you arrive late, and you didn’t tell me you were running late, then I’ll start the movie without you.” That creates more flexibility by allowing the person to either arrive on time or let you know they’ll be late.
Flexible boundaries are a privilege, not a right. If someone pushes your boundaries or otherwise makes you feel unsafe, you should move immediately to strict, explicit boundaries that you fully enforce.
When to set a boundary
In most well-functioning relationships, you won’t need to set boundaries very often. Instead, you can simply use requests.
A request is when you express a desire or a need without any kind of consequence attached to it. For instance, “I don’t want to watch a horror movie, let’s watch something else instead” would be a request, not a boundary. Making requests feels more friendly and casual than setting a boundary.
However, even well-intentioned people can sometimes misunderstand your requests, or fail to recognize that a request is important to you. In those situations, it’s a good idea to set a boundary. It allows you to communicate your needs in a clear an explicit way, so there’s no chance for misunderstanding.
Setting a boundary doesn’t necessarily mean that you distrust or dislike the other person. In the same way that “good fences make good neighbors”, communicating your boundaries to friends or loved ones can help make sure they don’t inadvertently make choices that hurt you.
If it seems the other person isn’t understanding your request, or doesn’t realize the importance of the request, setting a clear boundary will ensure they understand.
Boundaries are also useful for protecting yourself.
Unfortunately, some people might ignore your needs even if you communicate them clearly. Boundaries give you a defined plan of action that ensures your needs are still met even if the other person ignores your requests. If a friend insists on showing a horror movie that will give you nightmares, all you have to do is follow your boundary of “I’m going to leave” and you’ll avoid the nightmares.
Boundaries also protect you by showing you who is trustworthy, and who is not. Trustworthy people will do their best to adhere to your boundaries. They might make mistakes at times, but they won’t pressure you to change your boundaries or make you feel guilty for enforcing them.
In contrast, people who are not trustworthy will often push your boundaries, trying to get you to change your mind. Or they might cross your boundary and then get mad at you for enforcing it, making it seem as though you are in the wrong even though they were the one who crossed the boundary.
If this happens consistently, this is a strong warning sign. Someone who is not respectful of your boundaries in one area is unlikely to respect your boundaries in any other area. If someone constantly challenges your boundaries, it’s generally a good idea to significantly limit how much that person is in your life and how much you trust them.
Enforcing boundaries
Each time you successfully enforce a boundary, it teaches the other person to take your boundaries seriously. Each time the other person successfully pressures you to change or ignore a boundary, it teaches them to pressure you more in the future. So following through on your boundaries is critical.
In order to enforce a boundary, all you need to do is take the action you stated in the boundary. Just as “no” is a complete sentence, you’re under no obligation to explain yourself – it’s fine to just do what you promised you were going to do (whether that’s leaving, starting the movie, etc.)
However, it can feel uncomfortable to enforce a boundary without any explanation, and sometimes the other person might complain or be confused. Because of this, I recommend reminding the person of the boundary, as well as letting them know when they have a second chance to avoid the consequence.
A simple format you can use is
“I told you that if you do X, I was going to do Y.
“You just did X, so now I am doing Y.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow, and as long as you don’t do X I won’t do Y.”
For instance,
“I told you that I don’t like hanging out with you when you’re high and I would leave if you smoked while I was visiting.
“You just took a fat bong rip, so I’m going to leave.”
“Next time we hang out I’m happy to stay longer as long as you wait to smoke until after I leave.”
Often, the other person will apologize and ask you to avoid enforcing the boundary this time. If the other person generally respects your boundaries, it can be okay to give a warning the first time and enforce the boundary the second time. However, if someone frequently pushes your boundaries, you generally want to fully enforce them each time.
Enforcing boundaries is a skill and, just like any skill, you can get better. If you struggle with setting or enforcing boundaries, you may want to consider working with a therapist. Most therapists can help you develop your ability to enforce boundaries, and figure out your needs so you can design effective boundaries.
You might also try asking trustworthy friends and loved ones to help you practice enforcing boundaries. Enforcing small boundaries with safe people is a great way to build your ability to enforce more important boundaries with less trustworthy people.
Creating failsafes
Sometimes, it can be extremely difficult to enforce a boundary. Perhaps the other person is someone very close to you, like a partner or a family member. Perhaps the other person is very pushy and difficult to oppose. Or maybe you just don’t have much practice enforcing boundaries yet.
In those cases, a failsafe is your best friend.
A failsafe is an action you take before you anticipate someone might push your boundary, to make it easier for you to enforce the boundary.
For instance, let’s say you decided to stop drinking, but you’re going to dinner with a friend who enjoys alcohol and will probably try to buy you a drink.
You could make a request (asking your friend not to offer you a drink), but they might ignore this request.
You could set a boundary (saying if they offer you a drink, you will leave). But perhaps this friend is kind of pushy, and you’re afraid you might change your mind in the moment.
That’s where you can create a failsafe. One failsafe might be to leave your ID at home. The restaurant can’t serve you alcohol without it, so even if your friend successfully pressures you nothing will happen.
Another failsafe might be to bring a different friend with you to the dinner who you trust to shut down the first friend if they attempt to pressure you.
You might even consider calling the restaurant ahead of time and asking them not to serve you alcohol. Might feel a little awkward, but certainly better than regretting your decision to drink!
For another example, we can revisit our late-to-the-movie-night scenario. A failsafe might be to have the movie night at a theater instead of your home. You might be tempted to delay the start of the movie, but the theater doesn’t care, and your friend will quickly learn the consequences of arriving late.
Some boundaries are easier to create failsafes for than others. But just as removing yourself from a situation is a boundary consequence that almost always works, not entering a situation in the first place is as close as you’ll get to a universal failsafe.
Worried your friends might encourage you to stay out late the night before you have a big presentation? Maybe don’t hang out with your friends that night.
Afraid a Tinder match might push your sexual boundaries? Meet them in a public place, and wait to go somewhere private until a future date where you’re confident they’ll respect your limits.
Constantly pressured by someone to change your boundaries? Honestly, maybe the best failsafe is to let that person go from your life.
Examples/exercises
A friend frequently invites you to expensive restaurants that are outside your budget
Examples of requests:
These restaurants are out of my budget, can we eat somewhere else instead?
Do you mind if I eat dinner beforehand, and I’ll just order an appetizer to munch on?
Could we cook dinner together instead?
Examples of boundaries:
I want to hang out with you, but if you invite me to a fancy restaurant I’m going to have to say no
If you invite me to a fancy restaurant, then I’m going to eat beforehand and only order an appetizer.
If you invite me to a fancy restaurant, you will need to promise to pay my tab or I can’t come.